Archive for the Crap cars Category


Posted in Car conception, Crap cars with tags on 04/01/2012 by Alexander

Hot news today is the arrival of the new Ford EcoSport. A bit of a problem with this news: it’s not exactly “news” because the EcoSport is Brazilian-developed and has been on sale in South and Central America since 2003. People I know from Brazil say it’s practically the car that saved Ford in South America, since it’s been a best-seller there since its introduction. They also say it’s a completely awful car, and that seems to fit in with the impression I’ve had of Ford since I can remember.

My dad had a 1966 Cortina. It was cold to sit in when my dad took me and my sister to school in the morning, since its windows wouldnt close properly. It was also rather thirsty and not that reliable. All I know is that my dad got rid of it rather quickly.

What bamboozled me growing up was how popular Ford cars were. Fiestas, Cortinas, Sierras, Escorts were all the rage, and I don’t really remember anyone I knew who didn’t own a Ford a some point or other. Of course, their huge popularity in Britain was due to the fact that they were assembled in Dagenham and that Brits have always had a tendency to buy rubbish cars just because they’re British (take Morris, Austin or any other British Leyland car, for example).

Ford’s usually get high marks when appraised by auto-journoes, but get rather bad reviews by people who actually drive them around for more than an afternoon in ownership surveys. Everyone I know here in Portugal who has a Ford usually isn’t too happy with it. My uncle bought a Focus when I bought my Volvo three years ago. Both were the same age and had similar mileage, and Volvo was even owned by Ford at the time, so they should have similar underpinnings. My uncle hates his car because it coughs up water mixed with oil, and comes apart, and the rear windows fall down when it rains, so he’s gotten rid of it. Same goes with every Escort, Mondeo and Fiesta owner I know. The only person I know who seems to like his Ford is a friend of mine with a 2004 Mondeo (probably because instead of a Ford engine it has a 2.0 litre Peugeot-Citroen diesel engine). BTW, I’ve driven it and let me just say how its interior looks like it was designed by apes.

And that’s probably the biggest gripe I have with Fords. If they make a good-looking car, there’s always some small design feature that ruins the whole thing. Take for example the current Focus. Those triangular vents on the front look like the designers ran out of ideas to compose the snout of the car. The Mondeo looks like it has a rounded brick for an arse. The Fiesta’s tail lights are too small and high, while its interior looks like a chintzy attempt to make it look like it’s sheathed in aluminium. The first Mondeo’s were too curvy in a way reminiscent of boring Japanese design. The first Focus had rear lights that looked like they been inserted into wounds in the car’s body, as opposed to looking like they belonged there.

I’ve never liked the Blue Oval. It’s stupid since it’s one of the only car manufacturer symbols that’s aren’t straight forward to draw by heart, with its pathetic 19th-century lettering. Perhaps what I hate most of all about Ford was how it was founded by an anti-semite who had his own staff beaten and shot and was a toadie to one of History’s greatest plagiarists.


Whoops, there goes my supercar

Posted in Crap cars with tags , , , on 05/12/2011 by Alexander

Good news, everybody: a crash in Japan resulted in the totalling of a number of Ferraris and a Lambo, as well as other cars. No one was injured (otherwise it wouldn’t be good news), but this may be the most expensive accident in car history. Insurance companies will have to cough up, and a bunch of rich delinquents won’t be able to flaunt their costly toys in the face of us victims of the world recession. F**k you, luxury car owners.

Toyota Prius c spotted in camo, looks crap, no surprise

Posted in Car conception, Crap cars, Upcoming cars with tags , , , on 07/06/2011 by Alexander

When “exclusive spy-shots” show camouflaged cars in the wild, I find it hard not to guffaw at the attitude. Either the camo is padding that’s too good to actually make out the contour of the car, or it’s patterning that doesn’t really disguise the shape that well. Anyway, pics of the coupé version of the Prius are making their way round car sites, and it’s unmistakably as stupid and laughable as its regular humpbacked four-door counterpart. What a stupid car.

BMW 1-series: could it be uglier?

Posted in Crap cars, Upcoming cars with tags , on 06/06/2011 by Alexander

The first BMW 1-series is an ugly car, and this just goes to show how many people go for badges over looks, as it sells in huge quantities (1-series owners are so stupid that 80% of them think they have a front-wheel drive car). And the other day, BMW showed the new version, which is even uglier, with disgusting headlamps and the same, awful shape. I was genuinely surprised by this extraordinary feat, because BMW seemed to be shifting to good-looking cars again, if the Gran Coupé concept and the latest 5-series were anything to go by. But no, BMW intend to prove they can keep selling cars that look like crap. Pity.

BMW GT5 – absolutely crap or just relatively crap?

Posted in Crap cars with tags , on 24/05/2011 by Alexander

Autoblog reports that sales of BMW’s unclassifiable 5-series-based aesthetic horror are lacklustre on the State-side of the Atlantic. Which is odd considering it’s very American in its concept: big, ugly and thirsty. However, it would seem that some 5-series Gran Turismo sales stem from customers choosing this monstrosity over the 7-series, while other potential buyers took a look at this disgusting “crossover” and went and bought an Audi or Mercedes. This hasn’t stopped BMW from dreaming up a future 3-series GT (or 4-series as it may be called), which follows along the same lines of hideousness.

BMW have a solid reputation, though it owes just as much of it (by their own admission) to badge snobbery as it does to quality. As such, their one of those car manufacturers who can get away with introducing a heap of absolute horrifyingly ugly horse manure with four wheels on the market and have it sell in quantity, such as the X6, the X1, the 1-series, the previous 5-series, the Bangle-bum 7-series and so on. But because, as the saying goes, you can only fool all the people some of the time, etc., even die-hard BMW fanboys have to recognise that the brand’s aesthetic line-up has been… unfortunate over the last couple of decades. The proof is how the new styling cues are shifting away from Chris Bangle’s forms. Steadily of course, since the Bavarian motor company is very conservative, but the lines on the latest 5-series are far, far more pleasing to the eye than any car BMW has put out since 1988.

A blight on God’s clean Earth #8 – Opel Astra G

Posted in A blight on God's clean Earth, Crap cars with tags , , on 18/04/2011 by Alexander

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, should you reside in the British Isles, you can mentally substitute the “Opel” you read in the entry for “Vauxhall”.

In 1998, Opel’s new Astra managed a feat of staggering proportions: a car with absolutely zero styling. I was amazed at just how drab and bland it was, with the most standard-looking lines I’ve ever seen on a car. Usually, one gets the impression that on any car, even bland Korean ones, the designers took a tiny aesthetic risk here or there, perhaps a small mannerism on the rear lights, or perhaps a detail of trim on the flanks, or something like that. I can only imagine that during the board meeting held in the early-to-mid 1990’s to discuss how much was to be invested in the new version of the Astra, the top brass at Opel decided to allocate several million or so deutschmarks for the engineering bit, and 20 pfennigs for the designer to draw the car during his Thursday afternoon tea break.

The result is an utterly scummy, soulless plop of a car. I can’t begin to describe how offensive this car comes across, since it’s such an affront to flair and innovation in automotive design. What’s noteworthy is how this turd-mobile went on to sell so many units, another testament to the general public’s widened lack of criteria in buying cars, like the BMW 3-series and the Renault 19. I have noticed an interesting phenomenon among the many buyers I know who made the mistake of acquiring an Astra G: they tend to send it packing for a pittance as soon as they can. Very telling. Luckily for them, there’s a market for these pieces of manure amongst stupid modders.


Posted in Crap cars, General opinions, Upcoming cars with tags , , on 13/04/2011 by Alexander

Motoring journalists must really have tough days at the office. This can be concluded by the importance given to news such as “Exclusive pics of the new BMW 1-series coupé M-version!!!!“, and we are treated to spy-shots of a car you already know what it’ll look like.

Today, Autocar’s headlining article is “Audi Q3 revealed!!!!” next to the picture of a car anyone could swear they’d seen before. Because today’s Audis are like disgusting, teenage nose-pimples: you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. So we reach the following conclusions:

– Audi designers have no imagination whatsoever;
– Motoring journalists are desperate for proper news.