Citroen: back in the s**t

This can be a slanted blog. I freely admit I like Citroens, and it shows. Saab nearly hit the shitter, Toyota went from super-reliable to utterly liable overnight, and I didn’t breathe a word on the subject. But Citroen announces some pathetic plan for the future and I start tapping away at my keyboard. No other carmaker (perhaps apart from Volvo) can prompt me more to write than the Marque, though if the following piece of news is true, this could change.

It would seem Citroen is returning to its dingy days of corporate, accountant-run projects. After the renaissance of its characteristic quirkiness, embodied by cars like the C3 Pluriel, the C4 and C6, Citroen’s decided it’s time to cash in. After announcing the Essentialle line, which was supposed to be dedicated to making cheap, simple cars and be a counterpoint to the luxury DS-badged line-up and represented by the C-Cactus concept, Citroen have chickened out of the basic concept:

Research has uncovered aspects of the car that potential buyers were not happy with. The lack of dashboard and the way its instruments are clustered around the steering column were said to be particularly off-putting.

Citroen is also considering fitting electric windows instead of the concept’s wind-up units, which reduce complexity.

At least the comments on the article were far more lucid than Citroen’s judgement on this issue, expressing that what Citroen is doing is basically alienating their regular customers while failing to garner new ones. And it’s a pretty clear most people who take part in the aforementioned research are idiots.

And the utmost worst was reserved for last. Of all production cars in existence, the only one I would want, given the choice, is the Citroen C6. It’s the Citroen flagship, and the defining model of the Citroen’s line-up and the standard by which the quirky-factor can be measured. And make no mistake, if Citroen cock up the C6, all is lost.

Citroen is also working on a successor to the C6, although the replacement will, according to Banzet, be “something different”. It will still be a flagship car, but of an as-yet-undisclosed format, though some kind of crossover seems possible.

A crossover. The most pointless, stupid, pathetic brainfart of the car industry of the last two decades. Big Citroens are the epitome of innovation and style, and they’re a beacon of good taste for those who can’t stand the nouveau-riche vulgarity of BMW’s, Audis and Mercedes. To give it a format that’s only driven by morons is to defeat its point. To drive a big Citroen you have to have intelligence and taste. To drive a crossover you have to have no passion for cars, only for flashiness and feeling taller than other people. And these people who will go for SUV’s and such utter crap aren’t going to buy a Citroen. They’re going to buy stuff like a BMW X6 or a Q7, because they’re only made to sport badges. If anything, a big Citroen driver shows that he/she doesn’t care about the fricking badge, because he/she knows that people who are impressed by badges can only be shallow, slimy weasels.

So Citroen, show some sense. Don’t let a brand that probably has more legendary cars to its name than any other fall into the muck and lunacy of the rest of the herd.

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