A blight on God’s clean Earth #2 – BMW Compact

BMW have had a rough spell in the styling department for quite a few years. Not coincidentally, the chief designer was a man called Chris Bangle, who was responsible for some true horrors, such as the initial fourth-generation BMW 7 series, and, basically, the whole disgusting BMW range. All those revolting X3s and X5s and bland 3-series and stupid, shoe-like 1-series are sins of his.

e36_5_bmw_compact_rear_viewBut there was one particular brand of BMW crappiness that preceded his disastrous reign, and those were the so-called 3-series “compacts”. Being the exact BMW equivalent of the AMC Gremlin, it committed the same mistakes and is perceived in the same way. The “compact” was launched in 1994 (I think, not that I care), and was nothing more than a 3-series with no bum, horribly proportioned with no benefits and no appeal. Luckily for BMW, their nouveau-riche, ignorant, status-obsessed customers let themselves be easily fooled, and some “compacts” still circulate, like an annoying rash that gradually diminishes but won’t go away.

compact_43And as if the original “compact” wasn’t enough, the next-gen BMW, sufficiently ugly as it was, was also blighted with a “compact” version. However, this time BMW, in recognition of the shoddy, short-cut hack-job of the previous “compact”, styled the new car slightly differently from the full-blown four-door platform, and gave it piggy-eyed headlamps and triangular rear lights. The result was a factory-modded thug-mobile, perfect for young delinquents to kill themselves in either a mangled wreck or a fireball.

bmw_325_bmw 325 t compactFortunately, for car-lovers and the general public, these 3-series “compacts” are rather rare, especially in comparison with their larger, longer brethren. Their value can be seen on second-hand car markets, where they can be bought for the equivalent of what you pay for a bag of crisps. Unfortunately, it can still be seen driven by impoverished thickies who want to be able to say they drive a BMW while waiting in the dole queue.

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9 Responses to “A blight on God’s clean Earth #2 – BMW Compact”

  1. It is not a car it is BMW

  2. cosmin Says:

    dude…don’t pick on the compact beemer…look at the butt-ugly fucking cars that you americans had in ’94 ( cavalier, dodge spirit ford crown victoria,escort)and still have now(and I’m talking about everyday-use-cars not supercars or muscle or exotic or whatever you wanna call them) we have our ugly cars too but we don’t pick on your’s …and if you didn’t drive a compact don’t talk…it’s the king of all hatchbacks…and yeah, it’s a hatchback…from all the manufacturers only BMW has a hatchback with RWD…and after you drive the ‘short beemer’ you are hooked…the 2002 one is pretty too, more aero and stuff but I like the ’94 more…a man’s car should have some angles not be all curvy and shit…

  3. i presume u r american..so…fuck off

    • Alexander Says:

      And I presume you’re an illiterate moron. Just goes to prove what idiots BMW fans are.

  4. paul Says:

    I am not a Moron, the baby beema is a good car, got all the extras as one would expect, unrivalled fuel consumption, mine has 120,00 miles still returns 54 mpg , body has no rust and apart from normal wear and tear on a 2001 car its been thee best buy ive had in years, so dont knock it pal

    • Alexander Says:

      You have missed the point of the article. It may have lots of miles and extras and good consumption and never break down, but so do lots of bland, ugly Japanese cars. The point is it looks stupid, since it’s a regular 3-series with its bum cut off. Do you understand?

  5. Peter Says:

    The point of your article is stupid. Every car company has done the “cut off the boot” design. The Japanese are unique because they began with a hatch and moved to a wagon (equally stupid). Though I do agree with you that BMW owners are douches, and now its becoming the Audi owners.

    • Alexander Says:

      Give me another example of cut off the boot design that went as badly, then.

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